Saudade

All you can picture inside your head, over and over again, is you closing the door behind you. It felt… irremediable. Your own version of passing the Rubicon. That was the moment when the nostalgia of all that could no longer be began.

It is said that when two people break up, one feels relieved, free. It is over. It is time to move on. And the other one is left with the broken pieces of their heart, not knowing what to do.

Saudade. The love that remains, the love that no amount of poison could ever kill. The love that will eventually alter itself to become what is left when nothing can be done anymore.

It was beautiful…

But you closed the door behind you and he didn’t try to stop you. He let you go. He is free now, and you are a prisoner.

You think about him kissing another, making love to another, and it makes you want to eat your own heart out. This is poison. It doesn’t diminish the feelings you have for him. It amplifies them.

Strange creatures that we are. We only realize what we had when it’s lost to us forever.

He is lost.

The man you fell in love with, if he even existed in the first place, got lost along the way. He is someone else now. Someone you don’t recognize anymore.

When you felt that tear linger in his eyes… when you saw it slowly trickling down his cheek… you thought he’d tell you to stay. Part of you wanted him to tell you to stay. Part of you wanted to just walk away and move on.

You stared at that door for a moment or two, wondering if he was on the other side, missing you, just as you were already missing him.

You thought about all the words you wanted him to say. You thought about everything you never had the courage to tell him. You thought about courage. And love. And hate. And all that was lost and would never be returned to you. You thought about pain, about sadness, about all the nuances contained by our vast range of human emotions.

But it was too late.

And all you could do was miss one another, the ones you used to be when you were everything each other wanted.


Excerpt from 2:22 AM. Find it on Amazon here.

Also available in the e-book bundle on my e-store.

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2 thoughts on “Saudade

  1. hopedutton says:

    Saudade is a word that only exists in the Portuguese language and it is one of the most beautiful words in the world. It is the kind of word that leaves you gasping for breath because it almost perfectly encapsulates all of one’s emotions in one single word.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This is beautifully written. I find translation of words interesting because there is often no word or phrase to fully describe the original. I come across this when reading my bible. The Old Testament was originally in Hebrew, while the New Testament was originally in Greek (I think I got that right?) My point is that there are so many different translations because some of the original words cannot translate into english without losing some of the meaning and power. I am not trying to push religion. It is just an example I understand which can relate to this idea. Once again, beautifully written!

    Liked by 2 people

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